Internal Compass

In one of my last blogs I described what I think is basically burnout. I'm kind of burned out on life; I've done everything about a hundred times and none of it makes me happy anymore. I realize some of this malaise is Steven-related. He kind of beat the joy right out of me didn't he. It's no wonder I am despondent.

Therapy is out. I know the whole process of how a counsellor or life coach is going to direct me. I don't need encouragement to write a journal or join a group, cut my hair, rearrange the furniture, or think happy thoughts. I already agree with the benefits of all those things (except cutting my hair, maybe)- and practice them. But at the same time I know none of that is going to change my life. Something else has to happen and it has to be internal, not external. Sometimes I think taking antidepressants would do it, but I don't think it would work for me because I would still know the truth. Unless a pill can wipe my memory clean, it's not going to work.

I will say in the evolution of my separation anxiety (I think I am in stage 3 of 5) I am coming to admit more and more how distasteful and scummy I find his sexual proclivities. I mean...he's been doing it for so long, and is still doing the same things over and over. And he's so excited about it, all wet and sweaty. Eew. It's just Masturbatory and Gross. I mean, how long can I deal with that? It's like watching someone take a sh*t.

He did some really low, low things. Chat rooms, porno sites. Motel hookups. God! I don't know how he reconciles that in his own head. Does he not admit, even to himself, how scummy that is?

I'm beginning to feel even though Yes I loved him so much, the person I loved is gone. He would try to tell me that he's still the same, but No- he's not. And nothing is ever going to be the same again.

I'm beginning to feel he's in a death spiral of a compulsion and no matter how much I love him, I can't pull him out. And if I could pull him out, I'm not sure I can touch him because what he's done DISGUSTS ME so much that I've lost respect for him. I don't recognize the person I loved anymore. And that is just so bizarre, I can't wrap my head around it. It defies logic.

As I get further away from it, the picture becomes clearer...but I still don't want to believe it's true. I don't. I want it to make sense again. I want him to be him, and me to be me. I want to make it all better. But that is what got me here in the first place. That is living in the past, not the present.

There is a side of me that presently wants revenge. I consider his actions crimes. Crimes against me, and oh...what he did to Theresa(she's another blog). He had whole separate lives from her and their kids. Not just affairs but serious love relationships that went on for years. He didn't have another family that he went to visit once a month, but it's not far removed. His chat rooms, porno sites and girlfriends...they were his secret family. Ironically he is so proud of his virgin princess daughter. But if she knew what he is and what he's done, it would destroy her. It would crush the foundation of everything she believes in and loves. I could destroy her, and their relationship, and take her away from him forever.

That would victimize her, though, and make me guilty of the same crimes I accuse him of.I can't torture someone that way. It would be so cruel it would leave scars and I just am not capable of that. I wonder how many times the slave or captive got control of the whip but declined to take their revenge because they didn't want to become the thing they hated? Aren't I fucking noble? Ha! There's a Hollywood ending for you. But no worries, she will figure it out for herself. The truth always makes itself known. Or her mother will tell her 20 years from now when her heart is destroyed by her own cheating husband.

But I digress. Yes Steven knew that I knew everything, and he knew well how badly he was hurting me. He made all those plans without ever thinking twice, without ever caring if he was hurting me. Not that I want to give anyone the power to own me- no one can own me- but I loved this man. I wanted to marry him. That's how much I loved him. He knew all of this and was still unable and unwilling to stop. I believe he gave himself permission for this despicable behavior by just deciding not to think about it. He simply washed the blood off his hands, and went on with his day like it never happened.

Yes it's indecent, yes it's criminal, and yes, he deserves to be punished for it. It's not going to be by my hand but let me read the writing on the wall...his day will come. Someone else will do it, I won't have to. He has his enemies. Another scorned woman out there wants their pound of flesh too. That person has stuck it to him more than once already. I just hope he doesn't become another Steve McNair. The way he's going it's not outside the realm of possibility. He thinks he can talk his way out of everything but that's not how life really goes. He will screw himself eventually.

The other part of what keeps me from finally accepting this situation for what it is is that I don't believe he considers himself an emotional criminal. He actually thinks he's a great guy. No- my grandfather was a great guy. Him? Not so much.

I just can't accept that he won't admit how disreputable he's made himself- I feel this driving need to MAKE HIM UNDERSTAND. And that's keeping me here. I'm aware of it, I'm saying it now- I know it's unhealthy and at some point I'm going to have to let it go. But yes, that's the second piece of what's stopping me from moving forward. I'm confused and hurt but I am also frustrated and angry.

In hindsight, I was very much like a woman that stays with someone who beats her. He beat the shit out of me for almost two years and I stuck around for more. I did. I was stubborn and loyal like a dog- willing to invest in him and let him "work it out". I just wanted him to stop. Unfortunately now I know he's never going to stop, because he can't. And he doesn't want to. It's not a matter of "I want to play the field". There is something much darker and more serious at work here. I am afraid for him. I don't know if he understands how fucked up he really is.

So, it is extremely difficult for me to process all this. I am in a place where I haven't accepted it, but I've stopped denying it. I am right between that rock and that hard place. And worst of all, I suffered through all that for NOTHING.

Despite all this, I consider myself a pretty shrewd person. I know bullshit when I see it and I'm the first to call it. I'm not dumb. But I've lived through tough times before and this has been as hard as any of them, maybe moreso because now it's on top of everything else. I am determined to come out of this looking fresh and lovely, somehow. I must win. I can't let him win.

I know I can find my way out, and I will live to fight another day. I'm limping, crying and bleeding, but I'm going to get there. Or die trying. My internal compass is still pointing north, and it will show me the way. I'm just a little lost at the moment.

Sometimes you will hear a movie or novel described as a "coming of age story". This has certainly been an eye opening experience. But what age am I coming of now? I didn't think I had any innocence to lose, but it feels like that. This cut deep. I thought finally I had something real. Something to believe in. I didn't expect it to be handed to me, and I worked for it. But if it's not at this chapter of my life...then when???

It would be fine to choose a path if there were paths in front of me. But right now I don't know where I'm going. I spent the last 4 years of my life working on that relationship and now it's all gone and I have to figure out what to do next.

I'm just tired thinking about it. I'm going to bed.